Trump Places Tariffs on Yuri in Effort to Preserve Yaoi Markets (I Wonder Why)
By Martín Akamine-Alvarez | Photo by Lizzy Morearty
Monday, November 17th - This week, the Trump Administration has announced new tariffs on Yuri. For the two of you who don’t know, Yuri is an intimate, romantic form of writing in the style of manga or anime (kawaii :3). Oh, and it’s lesbian. That's a pretty important detail. Economists and Yaoi/Yuri experts speculate that this move is intended to defend US interests at home, specifically preserving domestically produced Yaoi (Yuri, but it’s boys ;))
This story was largely brushed aside by mainstream media, which is surprising because there is very little else going on with the Trump Administration. First, economists did what good economists do: follow the money. In the last year, the Yuri/Yaoi has exploded from 1.3M videos to 89M videos on Tik Tok, just in the last couple months, creating large revenue from creator funds on Instagram and Tik Tok. Why is this happening? Lead Yaoi-Yuri expert and part-time economist, Liv Eral (she/they), answered,“Because woke is back, frankly. Mamdani won, Prop 50 passed, so people are willing to lib out and read some smut. Especially if it’s from Japan.”
But if the markets are soaring, primarily caused by small Ao3 writers, Tik Tok edit pages, and instagram shit posters, why would the Trump Administration inhibit this growth? Bunion’s investigative reporters were on the case, revealing new revelations that no one knows or is talking about at all. Donald Trump, who appears in the Epstein Files, may have questions surrounding his sexuality. A photo, which has been verified to be real for sure girl, was also released, showing Trump on all fours like a good little piggy, and Bill Clinton, displaying absolute alpha levels of cock confidence.
Most will be asking “Epstein Files? What’re those?” We know. It’s a super niche topic and you have to dig really hard to find anyone talking about these. The Epstein Files are the files about Jeffery Epstein, a billionaire who basically ran a sex ring involving many rich, powerful men, including President Donald Trump.
(Ok yeah, that’s a joke about how the Epstein Files are the only thing on the news right now, but as the author, I want to take a second to say if this is actually how you found out about all this, I’m sorry. I hate to break it to you, but our president is not a good person. Crazy, I know. How will you sleep at night? I don’t know. But what I do know is you need to keep up on the news more, gang. Get online a little more, touch less grass. Maybe follow CNN on Tik Tok or something… freak).
One particular email contains insinuations that Donald Trump spent time alone in a room with “Bubba,” which our Bunion experts (and no one else before us) speculate is Bill Clinton. Bunion Investigative Reporting Department, headed by Tren D Sear, conducted a deep dive into this story. “This one is really shocking, and most laypeople would not be sure what to make of this,” said Sear (he/they). “Especially considering the fact that the Trump Administration has never had any gay allegations of any kind! Except for that one clip of him on The Wendy Williams Show.” This bombshell, which we are the first new source to report on ever, has been received in the Yaoi manufacturing sector, which has now sparked a massive wave of Yaoi content about the Former Commander in Chief and the Current Power Bottom in Chief.
Trump and his economic experts noticed this market was about to take off. To preserve this market, Trump, or Cum Dumpster Trumpster as he is known in the Clinton bedroom, has placed tariffs on Yuri, making it more expensive and difficult to find online, forcing people to have to take account of this when shopping around for new goon-material. Consumers can expect delays on Yuri, and a sharp decrease in price for Yaoi, which will now be readily available. Additionally, manufacturers creating Yaoi content about Trump will have priority and receive tax credits, which can lead to an oversaturated market full of Trump’s and “Bubba” content everywhere.
Bunion’s street reporters asked a couple students what their thoughts were. Neve REDACTED (CFA ’25) said “It feels wrong to believe Epstein on this, but like, it’s funny as hell. I hope that the “hey girlie” text Hillary got wasn’t too bad for her mental health.” Another student, who decided to stay anonymous but was decked out in frat merch, said “Bro Trump is gay? That's corny asf bro, not my president anymore!! Off the record though, why did he start a ‘trade’ war? Get it? ‘Trade’ war? OMG girllll im so fucking funny I should do standup!” Unfortunately for him, we don’t do that ‘off the record’ bullshit. Safe to say, the word on the street is tweaking out over trade by starting a trade war might be the move. Follow The Bunion for more news on Yaoi, or if you like Hubba Bubba gum.