Professor Updates Office Hours, Says “Whenever Your Bitchass Can’t Go”
By Grace Whinnery | Photo by Beatrice Levine
In light of finals season, many professors have opted to update or expand their office hours to help students with some last minute studying. Professor Hugh Jasshole of the College of Arts and Sciences recently sent out a Blackboard announcement graciously offering his office hours as, “Whenever your bitchass can’t go.”
“Yeah, that’s right,” said Jasshole in a statement to The Bunion, “If you can go, fuck off, no you can’t. Students keep coming in and asking me, ‘Why was your only note on my essay “chopped”?’ and ‘I can’t read the text you assigned because it’s in an ancient Babylonian language only known to the priestesses of Ereshkigal?’ They really need to take some initiative in their education.”
His course, party 4 u: Character Motivations in The Great Gatsby, currently has a 5/5 difficulty rating on Rate My Professor.
“On the first day of class, he stood up on the desk Dead Poet’s Society style and shouted ‘To be brat is to be–’, before slipping on an open textbook like a banana peel and falling to the ground,” said BU student Olivia Greenhouse (CAS ‘28). “The song isn’t even on that album, you dumb slut. And it’s been downhill from there.”
“I posted that shit immediately,” said T.G. Ifridays (COM ‘29), who asked for anonymity due to fear of retribution but we said no. “One of my posts on YikYak got 1.8k upvotes and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.”
The incident seemed to enrage Jasshole, as the class content took a turn for the cruel and unusual after the video was shared.
“He made us listen to the part of the song that loops ‘Party on you’ for the full two hour lecture once,” said Pandora Grain (CAS ‘27). Students explained that they stayed in the class because of the six hub credits it counts for. “Six hubs could let me graduate early, and I can deal with Charli in my head for the rest of my life to avoid more tuition payments.” continued Grain.
Jasshole’s doctor, Benjamin Dover, said in an interview with The Bunion, “My patient was never in critical condition after the fall from his desk, and my patient in no way bargained with the spirit haunting the Mugar Library for a chance of a continued life in exchange for torturing students, I have no idea why you would ask about any of that you freaks.”
The Bunion reached out to the Mugar ghost via Ouija Board for comment to no response.