No Nut November Decimates Boston Squirrel Population

By Anonymous | Photo by Lizzy Morearty

Boston’s greedy yet prevalent squirrel population entered the danger zone this past week, facing the widespread consequences of the nationwide crisis known as “No Nut November.” As soon as the clock struck twelve on Halloween night, nut rigs dried up like the Sahara, leaving hundreds of rodentia to fend for themselves. 

“I mean, it's devastating. My cheeks are anything but full. I don’t know what’s going to happen.” said squirrel constituent Mac Adamia of the Boston Common.

After completing a city wide census, the Bureau for Squirrels concluded that there are in fact only four solid nuts remaining. Their location is being kept top secret, so naturally, the Great Nut Drought has forced many of the rodents to turn to alternative forms of food, such as El Jefe’s and one another.

Rodential celebrities have been widening a class gap. Alvin, Simon, and Theodore remain unaffected in Los Angeles, flaunting about their wealth as privileged chipmunk cousins.

“Yeah, we’re rolling in cashews. Dave, help me get this nut.” cried Alvin, reaching for the top shelf.

The Nut Loss has also caused many hard earned stashes to be raided and chaos has begun to ensue between neighbors. A few days ago, a handful of squirrels broke evolutionary code after begging a pack of dogs for a bone in desperation. In the end, they were buried alongside what used to be their stash. Before these humble squirrels ejaculated away from this cruel world, the scurry let out a cry known as “The Squeak Heard Across the Commonwealth.”

This Squeak awakened a building revolution. 

Squirrel Governor, Al Mond, revealed his administration’s plans to tackle this crisis during a widely broadcast Fireside Chat. “We knew this would come one day, but we also knew that we could survive it. We must stay strong and abstain from letting our nuts get the best of us. In order to determine who will receive the precious four nut bounty, we will hold the Squirrel’d Games.”