I Got Stoned and Wrote a Bunion Article: This Is What I Wrote
By Martín Akamine-Alvarez | Photo by Lizzy Morearty
Step 1: Take 25 mg of “Quickies Fruit Chews Blueberry Flavor.” I went with Indica so I could stay awake. I also got jalapeño chips, a gatorade propel electrolyte drink, and a white Monster (my friend Eric).
Step 2: Pick a headline. My arms are tingling, and my eyes are feeling a little heavy. I forgot that these edibles are fast acting. It’s been about 7 minutes. I have a notes app full of headlines so one of those will do. After a couple seconds of scrolling, I found the one. “Trump: I’m Only Allowing International Students in if They’re Fine Shyts” Guysssss my stummy is hurting. My friend Eric is yelling at me and Gabby about progressive politics.
Step 3: Start writing.
Trump: I’m Only Allowing International Students in if They’re Fine Shyts
This week, the State Department led by your Cuban, from-Miami grandma’s favorite Latino, Marco Rubio; announces that EB-1, or Genius visas, and the I-20 will only be awarded to “International Fine Shyts.” The EB-1 visas are primarily for entrepreneurs and-
Im starting to tweak a little. Bro my eyes are even more asian and they were already pretty asian. Wait. that was a bar. HAHAHAHAHAH I JAUGHED OUT LOUD SO GOOD. drinking water hella loud woah. Eric is dancing to Kevnin Gates rn. Gabby putin on makeup
30 minut time jump irl call me Shonda Rhimes
The EB-1 visas are primarily for entrepreneurs (bullshitters) and philanthropists (billionaires) Hold on laugh break cuz Eric uttered the words: “Beatnik poet”
While I-20 visas are primarily for students coming to the US. Trump stated that he is tired of going to see his son at NYU, looking at smart, contributive, and intelligent international students who were CHOPPED. “Marco! You gotta stop rejecting the baddies!” Trump said in a memo to Rubio “the traitor” as some supporters call him. LOL
So after this paragraph, i had to pause to shove chips in my mouth. Bro im high rn. Eric and gabby are swirling arround the room like koi fishj. Ponyo. Why are u saying ABGs eric?
2 hours passed in a blast. I haven’t written anything new. Holy guck I’m dying fr
22:23 I is in an uber
Goober
I think im annoying
Trump has recieved lots of angry responses from these comments, primarily from Southern
Yall think hollis rly a girl? Deep down
Liberal liberal liberal…