Succession or Suck Session?: We All Know What You’re Really Booking That Questrom Team Room For…

Article by: Helena | Photo by: Lizzy

EVERYBODY LISTEN UP. 

All you little Questrom boys are not fooling a single soul with those fuckass ties and your little blazers. (which are suspiciously well tailored, might I add). We all know what you are. I don’t want to be the one to break it to you, but I will be if I have to… Baby you’re not trade, you’re the tariff. 

Why am I hearing clapping noises in the Questrom team room next door? I know damn well no one is cheering for anything. Because, what the fuck do y’all have to clap about?? Taxes? Banks?? Insurance??? I think not. The only thing you’re all clapping, is each other. 

Wtf is Questrom anyways. I know you're not on a Quest for any ROM because NONE of y’all are getting any depth on your squats. LMAO. The concept of business majors hitting legs. (Men only. Ladies, you're all safe, none of this is about you. Keep calm and carry on. #Girlboss (Or nonbinary people for that matter. C’mon Questhey!!!!))

Look. I know you all lay down at night and dream of living in Succession (HBO). You wanna be Kendall Roy sooooo bad, but you’re not even Greg. You will never be Kendall Roy. He at least had had the decency to have a real homoerotic friendship. (Kenstewy truthers where y’all at!!!!!)

Ok fine. I admit it. This article was all a ploy to talk about Succession. I know it ended 3 years ago and nobody wants to hear it but unfortunately, that's not up to you because I’m the one writing this. 

I can’t write anything about Succession without mentioning my close and personal friend Shiv Roy. She did nothing wrong, and I have always said that. Spoiler alert She should've been the successor. And everyone is blinded by a patriarchal society that doesn’t allow any female characters to have any nuance without being portrayed as the villain. If we put misogynistic views aside, what really matters is not your gender, but how fat your ass is. And I can confirm, firsthand, that Shiv Roy has the fattest ass out of all of the Roy’s. Therefore, she should’ve won. This whole entire show could’ve been wrapped up if the showrunners had the decency to take a look at what really matters in life. 

You know, all of this reflection is making me reconsider my thoughts on the little boys in suits I talked about earlier. I would actually like to apologize. Though some of you are definitely gay, I know you’re not all gay. You all just look and act gay. There’s a big difference. Keep listening to Clairo and pretend to read feminist literature, if that’s what you truly love in life. If your matcha consumption is the way you get your 5 a day, then at least your breath will only smell like cigarettes and not coffee AND cigarettes. Keep those wired headphones in your ear! I know you’re already crafting your Spotify Wrapped. And keep doing those questionable activities in the team rooms. 

Remember, boys, it’s only gay if you like it.