Giving My Professor a Pup Cup To Make Him My Bitch

By Kristin Rosenmund | Photo by Lizzy Morearty

Giving My Professor a Pup Cup to Make Him My Bitch 

This was one of those things where I’m not quite sure how it happened. Ok, like yeah maybe I plotted on it since the very first day of class but let’s just all ignore that ok!! Like I knew if you saw your professor walk in wearing all black, briefcase SHINY, and a good sense of humor you’d fold immediately. In my instance, I decided to play the long game. After all, coaches don’t play. I was trying to think of ways to get his attention in lecture. Walk in and just immediately take my clothes off? Nah, I don’t wanna look easy, he doesn’t seem into those kinds of girls, I just know it. Hiding overnight in his office and throwing rose petals all over it and lighting every single candle from Bath and Body works? Hmmm, no. I figured I’d have to play harder to get, almost own him in a way. I told myself I’d figure it out. 

So, this great idea came to me where most ones do, standing in the herd of fat bitches in the Warren Starbucks waiting for our drinks. Because what else can you do but think and dissociate when in that situation. I waited for them to call out my order, my venti pumpkin chai cream cookie crumble apple crisp pine cone pumpkin pie cinnamon spice extra ice drink. For some reason it was taking them awhile, and I lowkey got embarrassed and started staring at the floor in shame because why did I order that. It’s sooo good though. While staring at the floor, I saw four paws and a long ass tongue. I was like damn, didn’t know my roommate was here, but then I realized it was a precious dog. Actually it was kind of fucking ugly but I still smiled at the owner and pretended like I wanted to pet it. I watched as the owner arched down to give the puppy a cup filled with whip cream, the famous pup cup. The puppy came overwhelmed with submissiveness, listening to their owners every command, in hopes to get another pup cup. 

Then I thought, huh, this could probably work on my professor. 

I walked right up to that counter, proudly ordering a pup cup. I even left my stupid ass drink behind because I knew this was more important. 

After marching into the lecture hall, in front of the whole class mind you, (asserting my dominance), I proudly said, “here you go,” to my professor, while handing him the cup full of whip cream. He looked down at the cup, then up at me, longingly. A whole new version of him was then unleashed. He got down on all fours, licking THE FUCKKK out of the cup, every last drop. Kind of wished I could be the cup hahahahaha. 

After this moment, he started making hella eye contact with me all the time, looking to my approval after every word on the slides. He even started emailing me in the middle of the night, and changing his office hours availability for me so I could always be there. The best part was, he left his family of six and newborn baby to be my bitch, always at my beck and call. This was everything I ever wanted. 

So guys, next time you need to make someone your bitch, proudly order that pup cup. Woof :3