I’m Training for MarMon: And Other Excuses Your Roommate Gives for Their Most Recent Blackout

By Ogenna Oraedu | Photo by Lizzy Morearty

Your roommate has been waiting all year for this. Every Thirsty Thursday. Every Loco After Dark. Every. Single. Wine Night.

It’s time for MarMon bitches.

The stumble she took down the apartment stairs on Halloween was to prepare her legs for just how far she would walk. The back to back shots every hour on the hour was to increase her endurance. Everything has a purpose.

But even when the annual Boston Marathon bender isn’t on her mind, your roommate is sure to make sure that every blackout is done for a reason.

That time she had 6 mixed drinks with substances known to only her? It was an experiment to better understand a topic in her chem class.

Her getting so loud and belligerent on the street a cop came over and seemed actually scary close to arresting her? She used that moment to practice her 5th Amendment rights. 

Begging the bouncer to get let back into the club was a lesson on bargaining, and not throwing up in an uber after just “FOUR MORE BEERS” proved her ability to practice self restraint.

But guys, you gotta understand. It’s not that she likes blacking out, it’s that she has to. She wasn’t always this way! Everything changed after one night she spent alone in your suite, when a 2 liter bottle of Barefoot moscato and a self-help book that she stole from her ex out of spite really did a number on her. So while she ended the night with a toilet bowl full of moscato laced throw up, she also woke up with a new alpha mentality. Everything has a purpose, and that purpose must directly benefit you. 

Now, she encourages blacking, ready to accept whatever lesson comes out of it. So when you see a girl trip, eat shit, and walk off like nothing even happened, just know that she trained for this. Those marathon runners have NOTHING on her.