Breaking Her Silence: St. Patty and Her Rise to the Top Under Pseudonym St. Patrick

Article by: Willa N | Photo by: Sadie

Nearly 500 years after the first time the Irish holiday was first celebrated, a recent excavation in Northern Ireland revealed a groundbreaking discovery: Saint Patrick never existed. Instead, the legacy of drunken Boston parades, dyed green rivers, and shamrock shakes can all be attributed to a rather unknown underdog of the fifth century. 

Saint Patty, better known to her peers as Saint Patricia, lived a life of virtue and care for others, and could most often be found frolicking around fields of tall clovers. She was uniquely red color blind, and preferred to exist in realms of green that made the cones in her eyes roar. Her desire to poke the growing fire between the English and Irish was strong, and she wanted to make her mark through good ol’ missionary work.

However, women at the time were entirely condemned from participating in society through the way St. Patricia desired, so she made a hard choice. In order to achieve her dreams, the pioneer took on a new personhood, cut her ginger hair short, and switched her punches from up to down. She became St. Patrick. Patricia’s color blindness even aided her entrance into male society, making one more step of this acting endeavor a bit easier. Unfortunately, there were a few close calls throughout the saint’s pursuit of greatness.

An Entry from Patricia’s Scroll:

O lordy! My identity was nearly revealed this morn’! Folks started calling to me as Paddy, that ol’ English nickname for Patrick, which is FAR too close to Patty. I thought I was going to get slimed out of these Celtic lands. Only one old lady put two and two together, but she kept quiet. I guess that four leaf clover I ate earlier paid off. Just my luck.

All of these details were confirmed by the items found in an archaeological expedition conducted by Luck E. Charms, who was originally digging to recover what was said to be his family’s hidden pot of gold. Instead, Mr. Charms was greeted by a once in a lifetime find and the title of Folklore Feminist of the Year. 

“I was shocked, yet this is better than anything I could have imagined at the end of that rainbow! It’s about time we change the narrative and clank our Guinnesses to St. Patricia, as we should have been for years now” exclaimed Mr. Charms after accepting his award.

Names on plaques, statues, and home decorations are being frantically changed in a last minute effort to avoid being cancelled at the upcoming celebrations, but every real partier knows that the real danger is getting pinched. No longer will the threat of not wearing green trigger the two fingered consequence, but the disrespect for the woman behind the fake man.