Using the Pubes I Found in the Shower To Clone People and Grow My Wasian Empire
Article by: Jules | Photo by: Dylan
Recent analysis of Boston’s sewage pipeline system has shown an alarming increase in pube kings, which researchers have, affectionately, nicknamed after rat kings due to their distinct similarities in appearance. A Boston University student (me!!!! That’s me guys!!!!!) has come up with a potential solution: cloning.
Another recent analysis of the general global population has shown a disgustingly rapid increase in mutts (wasians). They’re kind of like labradoodles, good in theory but mass produced to a disturbing degree. What should we do???? They’re everywhere. Hmart on Boylston. West Dining Hall. Gen Chem 101 lectures. They’re EVERYWHERE. This epidemic of Wasians must be put to an end, I have a better idea.
As an optimist and empath, I see wasians as much more. Being wasian is a lifestyle. It’s brown sugar milk tea being suckled on by performative male (derogatory) wasians, having an Asian mom and white dad, ordering butter chicken, and wearing nose rings. I have decided to grow a wasian empire, a place where wasians can come and live in peace. Windians, Wapanese, Winese, Wietnamese, Worean, Waglog, Wilipino, Waotian, Whai, Wakistani, Wepali, every wasian ever. However, there’s only so many wasians at BU. We need more. BU must become the wasian empire. So, with our first set of pubic hair data, it only seems natural to use them to clone people. But, emperor of wasia, what if the pubes aren’t from wasians? Or Asians? Or white people? Well, I present CRISPAR genetic engineering. CRISPAR stands for Clustered Regularly Interspaced Short Palindromic Asian Repeat, kind of like CRISPR but better and awesomer and Asian. If I were to take every pube found on the communal bathroom floors, we would be able to create a wasian population similar to Sri Lanka’s due to the sheer amount of bouse sexual delusions. We're currently creating BU’s first ever “Wasian Incubation” center, complete with gentrified jade bracelets, poorly made “authentic Japanese” matcha, Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods naan, and rice fields, but not sticky rice, only pre browned white people rice because we aren’t Asian enough. After our wasians incubation period, they will be put in Wasian 101 to do their Kumon homework, properly thirst trap, how to properly whitewash, play the piano OR violin, and infiltrate and destabilize the global super powers (effective immediately).
BU will become Wasiantopia. People will see us and say “fuck, that’s a lot of wasians”. No more catalog wives will be needed to create the ultimate wasian, for we will expand the project “Wasian Infiltration” universally. Thank you pubes. Thank you bouse members for being hopeless sex maniacs. Thank you to our colleagues at Oxford for studying Asian and white intermarriage. Thank you for being wasian.
Together, we will unite white and yellow, wellow if you will. We need to become more woke. We need to become more wasian. applaud