Article By: Liya H | Photo by: Mila W
“Why JP Morgan?”
“I want to leverage my transferable skill sets, optimize cross-functional synergies, and drive scalable impact in a fast-paced, result-oriented environment"
“Thats great to hear Jake. Everything looks great. We see you have a great set of connections and experiences”
After 500 applications and four networking trips to Nantucket, Jake was finally getting somewhere. Or at least, that was what he told himself.
This was his gateway to lacrosse, segue, pipeline, finance.
He had spent the last three years carefully constructing a professional identity that existed almost entirely online. Every internship becomes a “strategic experience.” Every acquaintance became a “networking opportunity.”
Then the interview changed. The screen began spewing distorted music. Jake froze.
The interviewer slowly pulled a mask over his face. His features became dishelved, his skin covered in strange swirls.
Jake initially blamed the Tito’s he had the night before. Then the interview window typed:
YOUR FINAL CHALLENGE
Jake leaned in closer. Another message appeared.
JAKE. LET YO BIH GO THROUGH YOUR LINKEDIN.
A new icon appeared on the screen.
Becky.
Jake’s hands shook like he was experiencing a minor earthquake. Slowly, he pressed “Share Screen.” His linkedin appeared and Becky began scrolling. At first, everything looked impressive. Finance major, Investment banking minor, Multiple internships, Leadership experience, 1,307 connections. Jake smiled proudly. Then, Becky opened his messages. Hundreds of them
“Just following up on the job!”
“Bumping this to the top of your inbox!”
“Would love to have a coffee chat sometimes”
“Circling back!”
“Circling back on my previous circle-back!”
The messages kept going. Jake had contacted the same recruiter eleven times. He had asked one managing director to mentor him 4 separate times. Becky kept scrolling. Then she found the posts. Jake’s smile disappeared. Becky continued.
There were 14 posts about “proactive mornings,” 9 about “the grind”, 6 about “surrounding yourself with brothers who challenged you,” and one picture of Jake shaking hands with a man he had described as “a mentor.”
The man was his uber driver.
Becky’s face began to distort, the light in her eyes dimmed, cheeks slowly mushed together. She stared at Jake’s profile for what felt like an eternity.
“Ew Jake. You just gave me the biggest ick”