Article by: Lauren M | Photo by: Mila W
WARREN TOWERS— This fall, Boston University unveiled its new and improved Warren Tower A. The renovated building features private bathrooms, bigger windows, and air conditioning, making it practically unrecognizable.
The newest batch of freshmen are thrilled. The returners? Enraged.
“I had to keep my curtains shut all year because there were always people on the scaffolding,” said Sophie Moore (CAS ‘29). “They hammered on my wall so hard a family relic fell off my shelf and shattered into a million pieces. My roommate stepped on a shard of glass that I missed when I swept, and when she went to SHS they said they couldn’t treat her because she wasn’t on the SHIP insurance. She had to go all the way to Worcester to see a specialist!”
“My room was completely overrun with silverfish,” reported Aoife Staetion (COM ‘27). “My roommate and I tried so many traps and chemicals that we accidentally made mustard gas and had to be evacuated.”
The new freshmen housed in Warren’s A Tower weren’t willing to leave their luxurious new rooms to give an interview, but we were able to access one of their group chats:
Rumblings on YikYak have revealed that a group of upperclassmen, identifying themselves as the Angry Frowners, have hatched a plan to release pests in the new Warren Tower A. Multiple pet stores across Allston, Fenway, and Brookline have reported that all of their mice, as well as the live insects used for reptile feeding, have been stolen in the night. Additionally, Warren janitors have reported discoveries of mysterious crumb paths in dormitory hallways, leading right to the crack under the doors of Warren Tower A dorms.
Freshmen have submitted complaints about the incidents and threats to the school, so we invited an anonymous BU source to comment:
“We don’t actually GAF, y’all. We got our rankings boost for the new dorms and DIPPED!!!!!! Try bragging a little quieter next time. It doesn’t do one any good to make enemies around here…”