Short King Summer Officially Over: BC Men Enter Yearly Hibernation

By Ellie Tiwari | Photo by Maddy O’Leary

As the weather begins to cool and the leaves slowly turn, many Boston-area students may begin to notice a lack of 5 '7-5' 10, vineyard-vines wearing men roaming the streets. That's right! It’s the end of Short-King Summer, and the beginning of this author’s favorite animal migration: As the winter becomes too cold to permit the brittle bird-bones of BC men, they retreat back to Newton, not to emerge until the snow melts and the weather turns to a puffer-vest friendly temperature, or they finish their mass due at 8, or whatever the fuck they get up to over there. 

Not that I hate short men, in fact I am a self-proclaimed short-king connoisseur and am an ally to their culture and struggle, but I do hold a vendetta in my small, cold heart for men who are offensively short. You know the type. Those who hold their height as a nuisance, they lie and say they are 6 '1 or at LEAST 5' 11, but you know damn well he barely touches 5 '8. 

Now while the vast majority will retreat back to their campus and leave us non-fun-sized folk to our business, beware, fair reader, because though they may appear to be human, many such men have invested in a devious, devilish contraption called lifts. To them, a few inches makes all the difference (wink wink), and they will risk their ankles being exposed to the cruel Boston streets for just a modicum of dignity. 

And while checking their IDs sounds like a reasonable precaution, this author put herself in the perilous position of encountering one such eagle this weekend; I have found that more often than not they lie on their IDs, fair reader. Truly horrifying. You can't trust anyone these days. 

So, if you overhear a little man talking about golf or consulting or some other bullshit along those same lines, please call your local animal control authorities so they can be safely removed and returned to their nest, where they will continue to terrorize those who venture too far on the green line.