Performative or International: Who Is Really Smoking Cigs Outside CAS at 9am?

By Charlotte Waeschle | Photo by Beatrice Levine

This week, the Bunion has investigated that big gray cloud that perpetually hovers above Questrom. What many students thought was Boston weather punishing finance majors turns out to be literally just cigarette smoke.

Researchers have attributed the source of this overcast to two subcultures at BU: performative males (duh) and the illusive omnipresent international students. 

In an effort to help the BU community distinguish the two, the Bunion has compiled some helpful tips and identifiers so as to ensure that you steer clear of second-hand smoke.

Performative males are much easier to identify. First, they do not chainsmoke. In fact, they likely do not know how to actually smoke a cigarette; rather, they will light one cig from their back pocket while exiting the building, take it to their lips, cough twice, and aggressively stomp it out. 

Performative males also come equipped with their textbook accessories: matcha, tote bag, paper back book, it’s honestly not even a funny joke anymore we get it it’s overdone. They also, despite popular belief, probably ARE a Questrom major (like deadass you know they’re from Jersey or Connecticut and their dad manages a hedge fund in the city). 

International students are a bit more complex. Beginning with smoking style, these chums are experts at their craft. They’ll smoke a few packs in groups of three or more for what feels like hours—Bunion research suggests they don’t go to class at all and Questrom is the only designated location their visas allow them to legally loiter. 

As for visual cues, where performative male clothes are loose, international students opt for tighter fits. You will never see baggy jeans on an international student; their pants will always be tight, dark, and tapered at the ankle, just enough to show off their crisp white Filas. In place of a tote bag, international students carry tiny wittle EMPTY backpacks.

European international students—this distinction is important trust—do NOT drink matcha, only black coffee in an unlabeled cup. Interestingly, researchers noticed these students rarely eat or drink anything at all as their hands are usually busy texting on two phones at once.

So, the next time you have one of like four required classes for your business minor, use these guidelines to avoid accidentally inhaling someone’s curated identity crisis or leftovers from what others consider lunch.