Article by: Ellie Tiwari | Photo by: Aerie Ola
BOSTON – Reports of a uniquely potent strain of marajuana have been circulating on campus this week, and as The Bunion’s foremost investigative journalist on nightlife, Pennie Dillwad, I took it upon myself to look into the matter. The specific report that came across my desk was a shakily handwritten note, saying only: “ts has me taxidermied and racist.” I knew I had to take on the case, no matter where it led. I could’ve guessed it would lead to an Allston apartment. That's how most cases end for me these days. I don’t like bars. I’m more of a dinner party person.
I tracked the rumors to the heart of Allston, a perfect little gathering where the only thing on the itinerary was to watch Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Upon walking in, however, I was greeted by the overwhelming stench of the need to become a senator. I mean this was enough old man grease to make your eyes water. I knew I was in the right place.
The people inside are catatonic, I mean completely stuffed animaled. It’s like they’re sitting up straight so it’s either like a pole holding them up or maybe a puppet situation? Unsure. I looked in those eyes and I saw decay and elder abuse. Like, how is this legal? And also how did they train him to move like one of those expensive Disney animatronics but slow?
When attempting to conduct an interview with Marilyn J., the roommate that seemed the most cognizant of the world surrounding them, I was only greeted with a guttural moan one could only describe as a wail and like a whale. Whaile. A Whailic moan.
“Can you tell me where you got the…”
Movement
The first movement I had seen from any of the apartment’s residents since the second I entered. My number one question was, did they teach him to do that? Like no way an 84 year old Kentucky senator would hit a cheeky lil peace sign getting into the car.
It's all confusing. And also, do they keep someone to prop him up when voting? Can he – or the Allston apartment goers wait oh god GOD DAMMIT YOU CAUGHT ME
FINE. IT'S ME. MITCH MCONNELL.
No. I haven’t been dead. I haven’t even been in the hospital. I’ve just been hitting a long-dead cart that tastes like Sims4 mods. It tastes like straight-up ZIP files. It tastes like a rubix cube.
Yes. I admit it. I’ve Been Smoking Weed That Makes You A Senator.
Sue me. And no, I’m never quitting, I’m going to keep voting for the legislature that comes across my desk. You wouldn’t? I doubt that.
You’re gonna have to scrape me out of this damn chair.