Dining Hall Announces More Honeydew
By Beck Winter | Photo by Lizzy Morearty
BU Dining Services has just announced that they will be implementing new sections into every dining hall on campus meant solely for Honeydew™. The change comes after a recent meeting revealed over $50,000 dollars were being wasted by Dining Services. “When I first heard how much money we were wasting, I was shocked, so I figured: Why not put it all into honeydew?” said Reggie Sandwich, Director of Operations at BU Dining.
The general response among the student body has been shockingly negative, with seemingly nobody wanting to eat the now mountains of honeydew being dished out everywhere. Sandwich continued “I laugh my ass off watching all these stupid kids lining up with their little bowls like horses at a trough, full of anticipation like ‘ooohh what fruit are they gonna give us?’ Get fucked, you’re eating honeydew, asshole.”
It doesn’t stop there, though; Dining Services has ostensibly removed every other fruit besides honeydew in the dining halls. What used to be a pile of bananas in Warren has now been replaced by a soaking heap of uneaten honeydew.
Many of the concerns raised about this decision have cited the risk that putting only honeydew in the dining hall poses to students with allergies to it. Franklin Fickleman, class of 2029, commented “Whenever I’m in line for the fruit station, there’s a moment of anticipation for what fruit they’re gonna bring out. It is always fucking honeydew. I can’t live like this. Reggie Sandwich is a sociopath.”
“Fanky Fickleman said that? Are you fucking serious, you’re going to listen to Fred Fickleman? You know he pooped his pants in the dining hall last week right? I was there, honest, it happened.” Sandwich continued on this tirade for the next 20 minutes when he finally calmed down, he addressed the allergen concerns by stating: “People with allergies can kiss my ass, when I serve you green slimy cubes you enjoy them.”
Many students have reportedly dropped from their meal plans as a result of this new initiative, causing University officials to reconsider this decision. A meeting was held by the University’s CFO on Tuesday for all faculty to discuss how to deal with the backlash. It is important to note that the event was catered entirely with honeydew, all of which went uneaten.
At the present moment, doubts surrounding the sanity of BU Dining services remain prevalent. A bevy of suggestions have been made on how to fix this issue, with some suggesting we simply launch the honeydew into space. Until a solution is found, we will just have to make honey-do.