No, America I Love Your Shrinking Economy!!! It’s Scary When They Grow!!!

By Martín Akamine-Alvarez | Photo by Tejas Rama

Dear America,

Ever since we met, you’ve been just so amazing. I still remember your first birthday, and it was just so special. You showed me fireworks, and I remember you fed me the most American food possible: an In-N-Out double double, animal style fries, and a chocolate shake. I still dream about those times. I mean, what can I say? You’ve got beautiful spacious skies, amber waves of grain, and mountain majesties. Your friends, Elon and Jorkin DePenitz Vance, are a little weird but hey who am I to judge. 

I’m just writing you this letter because of what started last November. I had just broken up with my previous president, Joe, and it was hard. Like, he definitely had issues, but it was still tough on me. So, I was excited, and maybe too excited. I had taken the rest of Brat summer off, and as fall came, I was so ready for something new. And that’s when you came in. Just perfect timing. Especially because halloweekend left so much to be desired. I was so ready for a new erection- I mean election to just really get things started for my love life again. And I guess I got too ahead of myself and thought, “Oh, in the past all the economies I’ve had have been good, so this must be normal.” And since we’ve been together, going on dates and inaugurations, I was just really excited. 

I guess I wanna talk about what happened a few weeks ago. And I want to start by saying it’s ok, you know? I guess I was just shocked cuz you talked a big game. Like you told me how we would keep winning, you said that our issues were because of immigrants, not us! You told me you were such a good businessman and knew exactly what you were doing with your economy. 

I just want you to know that it's ok that yours went down and couldn’t really get up. Just cuz your little cock- I mean stock market went down a lot, that doesn’t mean you aren’t special! You still have all the other good things like a Department of Education, and you totally aren’t disappearing immigrants who express opinions. I’m not gonna fault you just because when we were together, my 401k totally dried up. It's not the size of the economy in the market, it's the motion of the investment btw.

And yk what? I kinda prefer it that way! I’ve been with lots of administrations. Bush, Obama, Biden, and you’re so up there you know, definitely top 4. And they just kinda kept on growing you know? I mean Bush at the end kinda lost that edge but Obama and Biden… their economies were bigger for sure. Scary big. Like “what am I gonna do with all that?” big. So, I’m really glad that I’m trying something new. I want something different, more industrial, more manufacturing and less services. And don’t ever worry about any of those other guys!

Love,

Martín (and my bank account)