New SHS Initiative “Please Don’t Kill Yourself Even Though It’s Getting Dark at 3PM” Launches

By Ces Lodovico | Photo by Lizzy Morearty

On Tuesday, SHS announced their partnership with the Students Against Seasonal Affective Disorder Association with the launching of a brand new campus-wide initiative to combat the treachery of the New England Winter. It is called “Please Don’t Kill Yourself Even Though It’s Getting Dark At 3PM.” 

Theodore Chummington (CAS ‘27) is one of the aforementioned Students Against Seasonal Affective Disorder. He started the group’s campaign for gift baskets to benefit students in need of extra support as the sunlight levels drop. 

“We wanted to make sure that others have the resources we needed when going through our first New England winters. I made the mistake of coordinating my schedule so that I could sleep in after my evening labs, but I’d wake up at 11 AM and only get to see four hours of sunlight. You really can’t win when it’s light out when you go into Metcalf, and you come out and it’s pitch black. Can’t even see the mulch. Blends in with its surroundings, just that earthy scent nearby, calling you… almost beckoning you closer.” He shook his head, recomposing himself.

“This is for those students who take naps multiple times throughout the day, intentional or not. Those who need a little extra something during those cold winter months.” 

Included in the basket is:

• the login to my friend Ryan’s Hulu account with no ads

• don’t use his profile, use the one named Beef Chungus with the Chris Hansen profile picture

• this really nice sativa blend preroll

• free SSRI samples

• a sun lamp for basking like reptiles

• “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!” said Theodore, in reference to the reptilian deep state

• a gift card to Chipotle

• A statement from SHS reads: “Please, god, just get out of the house. If you can’t go to class because it’s that bad, we see you and we stand with you, but you need to see the sun. We will be virtually deleting Doordash and Grubhub from your phone. Don’t get that shit delivered. Put some real people clothes on, leave your dorm, and go pick up your slop bowl.”

• samples of caffeinated drinks, including a yerba mate, a celsius, and a cold brew

Additionally, students will be incentivized to go to class by 

Daniella