I Watched Someone Get Crushed to Death by the CDS Doors #wtf??

By Alexandra Burke | Photo by Emily He

Hey squirrel friends, this is the moment in which I tell you this super funny story about how i watched this guy get totally demolished by the doors of the Data Science building, and it was crazyyyy wait let me get to it. 

Let me set the scene, I, Alexandra, was sitting on the benches righttt outside the building, admiring  myself in the reflective exterior after finishing my two classes of the day, Stare Off Into Space 101 and How To Deal With The Inevitable Future Of Being Broke 101 (haiii im a COM major btw). Therefore, as you know, I PHYSICALLY can not enter the CDS building as a COM major unless I have at least one mental breakdown about regretting my major, WHICH HASN’T HAPPENED YET CAUSE ITS ONLY WEEK 5 BABYYYY 😛  anyways, even if I wasn’t in COM, theres not a chance in hell I could pry open those doors. Seriously. Like. just like trust. 

Im totally sitting there minding my own business and all of a sudden this grown ahh man decided to be a tough guy and not press the handicap sign to open the nine million pound doors. “Foolish mortal”, i cackle to myself, expecting to watch some light hearted struggle, a bit of tug of war, one might say. 

RATHER, this man wedges his ass in between the fucking doors in hope he’d be able to squeeze through them, but GIRL. He actually split in half. Like in half. Like half of him was outside the building, and the other half was like inside the building. I swear to god there was so much blood, it was like the ending scene in The Substance (if this was for Pinky Toe i would’ve said Bottoms iykyk). Sorry wait off topic. 

So this man’s remains are just like- like there and I’m like o em gee and THEN I remember what I’ve learned from my current COM 101 Journalism course #DavidAbelReference, which teaches us that in moments of horror to whip out that cell phone baby and record. As I’m stumbling for my phone, I suddenly get rammed to the ground by a hockey guy on his damn electric scooter, and before I can even see if his ass EVEN STOPPED, I hit my head and totally blacked out. 

The last thing I remember hearing is the sound of RuPaul whispering, “Shante, you stay” before opening my eyes to find myself in my dorm room bed. So lowk like I’m only 90% sure this actually happened because my roomate started saying something about “that was a crazy night out” and “no, shrooms and marijuana aren’t the same thing you dumb fuck” but the lion doesnt concern himself with such nonsense.