I Was Circumcised Too, They Took the Whole Thing Off
By Annabel Friedman | Photo by Allison Groves
As a white girl, I have one thing on my mind at all times: How can I make this moment about me?? Because sometimes, it isn’t. And that is just so hard. As a show of my personal hardship with moments that are not inherently about me, I decided to share my strategies for redirecting conversation back towards me whenever I feel the focus shifting.
Step 1: Start a rumor that someone farted, direct the embarrassment at the person ruining my moment.
“Oh my god Linda was that you??! That is the grossest thing I have ever smelled. I have a lot to say to you but first of all how dare you.”
Step 2: Start crying.
Make sure to pretend to hide the tears. Look away a little, turn your head to the side. Give them a little lip quiver. Hang your head, stare off into the distance. If you need to muster up tears, stop blinking until your eyes water and think about a celebrity who has let themself go (it’s just so sad). When somebody asks, say it’s nothing. Pretend you don’t want to be noticed, then start the next steps in 5-10 seconds.
Step 3: Lie.
This is where you can get really creative with it, read the room and say something outlandish. Make sure it’s foolproof, have your backstory locked and loaded.
“Yeah, I was circumcised too. They cut my whole dick off. My parents decided I should just be a girl so here I am. It’s so hard, but I have tried to be really brave. Sometimes being brave just isn’t enough. [this is where you break down in a sob]
Step 4: Celebrate quietly. Figure out how you can use the people around you for personal gain.
Thank them for their support in your hardship, demand slightly more sympathy than they want to give. “I just really need your support right now, this world can be so cruel to me and I just don’t think you understand what I am going through.”
Make sure to put on a brave face and make sure they know that you’re not weak, but you are a victim of the world.
“I’m fine. It’s nothing I’m not used to!” you say with a small laugh. Wipe a few tears away again.
End the interaction with getting something you want. Ask for money, connections on Linkedin.
For more long term permanence on the spotlight, here are some recs on specific unstoppable tactics that will truly separate you from your peers:
Being Italian American
Being slightly tan because you are Italian American
Having curly hair because you are italian american
Having slightly frizzy curly hair when you put five curl products in it
Come out as transracial
Know three words of the italian language
Pronounce mozzarella differently
Be Jewish
Emphasize your .000001% east asian heritage
Celebrating hanukkah
Talk about the Holocaust because your 5% jewish
Having curly hair because you are Jewish
Green eyes
Brown eyes but they look like honey in the sun
Really dark brown eyes and it’s so sad that your eyes are special like everyone else (sob story time here)
Identifying as a different race
The end. Good luck out there guys.