“He’s Way Too Yoked to Do Work Rn” Smoked Before Mugar and Now I’m Paranoid Everyone’s Talking About Me

By Alex Johnson | Photo by Maddie Lam

“He is too yoked to do homework. What if I just go up and say, ‘Hey’?”

I swear I did my routine; the routine, mind you, that people say is overboard. I put my shirt in a bag (tied up), exposing my wife-beater. I then smoke about half the joint, put it away in my bag, and drench it in cologne. Hand sanitizer, lotion, and cologne become my best friends. I end it all with a couple eye-drops.

Coincidentally, whenever I smoke/use eyedrops I fear people mistake me for having cried. Jesus, it’s cold.

I remember thinking earlier that I’d either write this Bunion article and be on my way or stay until my laptop died. Either way this article was getting done. 

“He’s hiiigh”  I hear them whisper. I’m so self-conscious of the smell. But I feel like that’s doing way too much on their part. My anxiety’s going through the roof right now, it’s crazy, and like, my hearing’s superb, so I know it’s not just paranoia. I need to believe that it’s not just in my head.

I’m standing my ground. I can feel my heart thumping.

Thump thump

Thump thump 

Thump thump

But so what?

Is this what jealousy feels like, but on the receiving ends of things? Like mfs wants to be me sooooo bad. I must be important cause why would they devote so much attention to me? So much effort? “It reeks” Oh my god, grow a fucking pair and say something to my face. Or leave. Cause as far as I know I don’t smell like anything. If I do and anyone has a problem with it, they can get their finger and shove it up their— 

Is that confidence? Confidence requires some level of indifference. It must. Be indifferent to their discomfort of it. If it’s truly a problem…say something. What it is to be a strong, sexy, Black man in America…. A white place is a scary place.

It’s actually freezing in the library right now. This is the kind of cold Boston feels, like, on the worst days. I’m literally shivering right now. Is this Mugar specific? I’m literally shivering right now.

It’s bad…it’s bad

“I can smell it over here.” 

I feel like a zoo animal in a cage for the world to see, making fun of. Maybe it’s the weed, but truly, why is everyone and their mother at the library right now?? It’s SATURDAY. I just thought I heard a whole slew of people commenting on it. Maybe it’s real, or maybe it’s in my head. I’m not sure what to think right now. I should be handling all things through confidence—through God—but right now I‘m fighting the urge to crawl up…on the floor…and cry, absolutely sob. 

It's freezing in this library right now. I’m shivering. I don’t even know what I was saying earlier. 

“I can smell it over here.” 

“There’s no way he’s sober…”

“It’s pungent”

With teary eyes, I leave…but tell me, is that a sane thing to say to someone? Is it a sane thing to tell someone?