“Didn’t We Hook Up Freshman Year?” Interrupting the BU Tours to Embarrass the Guide

By Alex Johnson | Photo by Lizzy Morearty

Some things I wish I could forget. I wish I could forget your company. I wish I could forget your magnetic aura. I wish I could forget all the delusions I told myself before you ghosted me… but as I see you walk backwards, trying not to fall, I’m pulled deeper into an ocean of vengeance. Normally I hate tours, but today the sun shines. Today, Vendetta is my tea, and I’m ready to start sipping.

I walked over to you, megaphone in your hand, back turned to CommAve like you turn your back on everyone you claim to “love.” Well I “love” what’s about to happen (and idc if I used the air quotes wrong. I “quo-ite” literally don’t gaf)!

With your back turned, I “accidentally” bumped into you from behind–I remember you liked that position. Your face full of surprise quickly turned to shame and embarrassment as I excitedly reminded you why I looked so familiar….

“Oh hey! Didn’t we hook up Freshman Year?”

The whole group stopped. Passerbys stopped. Everyone and their mama all pointed at your face growing increasingly more red. They pointed out your stupid unibrow and chicken legs (thigh gap go crazy tho). They turned their attention towards me, pointing out my dazzling charm and alluring smile. It was a juxtaposition greater than Beauty and her Beast. How could anyone leave him? Great questions were surely asked!

I snatched their megaphone, cocked my head and pursed my lips. I asked again to drive it home: “Didn’t we hook up Freshman Year?”

Now that got you really mad…“This is my last tour–you’ll pay for this!” 

They threw their Einstein’s at me, but little do they know that my whole BU career was fueled by a crippling caffeine addiction. You’ll never knock me down, hoe. My withdrawal ended as I licked my lips!  Finally, spring sprung and I sprung on this opportunity.

My mantra every morning was inspired by the biggest hater I know– Kdot!

I hate the way that you walk

The way that you talk

I hate the way that you dress

I love this moment!!!

I feel energized. Maybe life’s worth living. There’s got to be a way to channel this euphoric energy…oh look: another hookup, another tooooour