From Duffer to Stuffer: My Pending Taxidermy Plans Based on Season 5

By Willa Norvell | Photo by Maddy O

To Whom It May Concern (Matt and Ross):

I was twelve years old when I watched Stranger Things for the first time. That Halloween, I went as Eleven to my middle school dance, blonde bob flowing in the wind, bloody nose on display (I was punched). In my childhood bedroom, I have a Funko Pop of Season 2 Steve Harrington that I bought at Comic-Con (meow), and in my family living room, there is a framed Pilot Script with signatures from every single cast member. Yeah, this series MATTERS. 

After watching Volume One of Season 5, I will say that you have fulfilled many of my wishes as well as presented some scary scary new possibilities! But now I’m nineteen and my mind is older, and during these past seven years, I’ve also acquired a domestic skill more valuable than sitting on the couch and mindlessly watching tv. I fulfilled my womanly destiny and learned to sew. A dangerous woman, one that can sew. We all saw Ma. Don’t make me drink alone, Duffer Brothers! If you wrote something so catastrophic that I simply must pluck a thin saber from my voluptuous tomato, I will. I will drink your well marketed Gatorade from a goblet as I remake you to look like Abby Lee Miller’s Broadway Baby. 

I only kid! I would never exercise my domestic expertise in an act of rage on male counterparts who enforce evil! Never! That being said, I warn you to listen very carefully. I have compiled a scientifically accurate cause and effect list of what your fate will be depending on the outcome of each character. Based on the next four episodes, you will either live in glory or on the back of my dart board:

CHARACTER

IF THEY PERISH, THEN…

Eleven 

Free space. I don’t have much stake here. #predictable

Will Byers

You are homophobic. I will cast a spell that makes the cones in your eyeballs mysteriously disappear so that you will never enjoy the beautiful colors of the rainbow that you clearly hate.

Mike Wheeler

I lowkey think this might happen so I will reward myself with a bowl of ice cream.

Dustin Henderson

Capital punishment. Kidding! I’ll leave it to you to sever your ties with the natural world because I actually cannot and will not forgive you. See my answer to Steve Harrington. It applies here as well. 

Lucas Sinclair

You want to get rid of the funniest character in the series? If this event occurs, I will make it so that every time you laugh, you will sound like a demogorgon and everyone will think you are so obsessed with your own work that you modified your own vocal chords.#narcissistmuch?

Max Mayfield

I can’t lie, I totally thought this already happened cause you kind of said it did? I am not particularly worried because that would be a strange writing choice but anything can happen. However, this would make Lucas sad and that makes me MAD. MAD MAX FURY ROAD STYLE I will conjure a sandstorm so intense that you will need a camel eyelash transfusion just to be able to see.

Steve Harrington

We know you guys aren’t stupid. You are not stupid! Say it with me: “We are not stupid!” So don’t make stupid decisions. Don’t make the biggest mistake in the history of your show. I won’t even need to do anything because you will have millions of devastated teenage girls throwing rocks at your Hollywood mansion for me. I would hire Remy the Rat to check each bit of food you consume for poison. And I would make sure Remy the Rat has not seen your show, otherwise you are COOKED.

Nancy Wheeler

Bruhhhhhh fr??? I expect a collection of Nancy’s outfits at my doorstep free of charge in return. Please and thank you.

Johnathan Byers

If you must, it better be a dramatic death, otherwise what’s the point?? I would be happy to see you make a decision about the love triangle but I honestly think that Johnny boy and Nance should be endgame. Steve (ALIVE) must let go and live his best (LIVING) life. 

Rockin Robin 

You are homophobic AND hate women for SURE. I am actually kind of nervous about this one because my Instagram feed has been shoving conspiracies in my face and this girl has gotten a hell of a lot of screentime this season. Not only will I cast that same Will spell on your cones, but I will start a rumor that Ethan Hawke beat you in a threeway thumb war and so you took it out on his daughter.

Joyce Byers

Unlikely because y’all worship Winona (as you should) but I will in fact be crying so pass the tissues and give me 2% royalties on the episode.

Hopper

I also think he’s safe but like why do you keep threatening it? Like huh? It’s getting a little old, let’s move on please.

Holly Wheeler

She’s just a kid! I believe it won’t happen since she has her own boombox and music but please leave her out of this too.

Erica Sinclair

I will be there blowing hot air from my mouth onto your pillow so that both sides are warm forever. Turn it upside down? WARM. Rightside up? WARM. See what I did there? Well, you don’t want to see what I’d actually do there. 

Delightful Derek

Dead Derek has a bad ring to it. He’s also a little kid, who thus far has shown great character development! I will remove the letter D from your speech patterns so you can only say words that do not have D in them.

Vecna

GAGGY.  This is definitely in the future. I will only be sad to see Jamie Campbell Bower go away #ripmrwhatsityoubeautifulvillain 😔