Exclusive Interview With Tim Cheese: Prison, Plotting, and Pork

By Willa Norvell | Photo by Maddie Lam

There is no knowing exactly how much power a rodent can wield when given a chance.

When we gave a mouse a cookie, he became an award winning children’s book star. When a lowly Italian mouse built his ice cream store up from the ground, he befriended an entire polar bear population and founded the Zootopia mafia. When we let a Stuart Little be adopted by two humans, he took on the title of orphan. When we let a mediocre musician sell pizza at an arcade, Chuck E. Cheese established a multi-million dollar franchise resulting in the 2010’s spike of child therapy and trafficking.

The list goes on and on, but the world is ready for a new titular rat, a new face to inspire the next generation.

Hitman and rodentia’s 007 Tim Cheese is that guy. 

Just yesterday, he reached out to Boston University’s publication that has talked about rodents the most, threatening to bring out the Pied Piper and militarize the Buswell rat population if his statement is not published. At his request and to protect any remaining infrastructure, here is his poetic confession:

John Pork, John Pork

Ate him up with a spork

Guess who won’t be calling now

Your favorite pig is underground

Now I’m after Marvin Beak

Eagle strong? NO! Eagle weak

Try to fly away you can't,

I’ll clip your wings, “SQUAWK SQUAWK” you’ll chant

Next is Agent 5.5

It’s almost time to unalive

My brain and brawl will overpower

Bow down to my 6’8” stature

Pingu don’t think you're exempt

You too are part of my contempt

The ice is melting around your feet

Climate change put you on the street? 😜

Revenge is my goal

For Biggie Cheese’s soul

I miss him dearly

I see his tail so clearly

I’m back, I’m back

To line you up on the track

Try hard to run far far away

Tim Cheese comes for those who betray.