City Co to Sell Arousal Pills in Liquid Form: Diet Dr Kelp

By Kristin Rosenmund | Photo by Tara Mullaney

You all know the feeling. You’re hungry as fuck but it’s literally one in the morning and the only thing you can eat is the the chip crumbs on the floor of your Warren quad. So, you know it's time for a City Co run! That’s what I did just two weeks ago before my life was changed forever.  I grabbed my Hello Kitty onesie and slipped right into it before making my way to god’s country. My walk there consisted of a debate with my inner self on whether I should buy pancake mix and eat it or a jar of frosting. 

I walked in those glorious doors to see a group of guys pretending to scan their items at the self checkout while one of their friends stood in the back shaking with fear over what they were doing. Pussy. I decided to let my fatass make a round around the store to really lock in with my decision. I paced up and down every single aisle multiple times, like I’m not even kidding, before I landed on the drinks. I couldn’t decide what my vibe was for today. A monster? Nah. Lemonade? Mmm not feeling it. Hold on. There’s something shining over there. Holy fuck.

Diet Dr. Kelp.

I had to get it. After all, Spongebob was my first ever crush – and no, don’t act like you disagree he lowkey fine shyt. Anyways. I walked my ass up to the counter to purchase because no way I was waiting another second to get my paws on this. The cashier lady gave me a smirk and a look, which I assumed was just because I was the first to buy this new item. 

See, this is where things get different. Not even two sips in and something changes within me. I’m so horny I run right to you know where. Yup, the Rhett statue. You know, all I can say about that experience is that the statue is now closed off, so my fault guys. My next target was those little fuck ass round things in front of CDS that are just there for no reason. Well, I found a reason. I was literally going so crazy that even the BU bus got a little something from me. 

I was so confused as to what the fuck happened to me, thinking maybe I just had an awakening of the sorts when I looked down at my Diet Dr. Kelp again. In the TINIEST fine print read, “contains arousal pills, should feel effects within five minutes of consumption.” 

Well, that was my bad guys. Aye, I’d probably still do it again though.