BREAKING: Your Water Bottle Just Dropped Really Loudly in Your Lecture Hall, Earning You Another Submission of Your Name in the Reaping

Article by: Alexandra B | Photo by: Adrianna E

Good morning. Your alarm just went off silently for thirty minutes and you now have 10 minutes to get ready and get to your 9:00am Cosmology lecture. I said cosmology not cosmetology babe, wipe that smile off your face. Damnit! You’re out of deodorant? Don’t worry, one day without it can’t matter! You look clean and that's what matters. Hey look! You’re about to be right on time for your lecture! Good job. Your shins do hurt from speed walking to CAS and you’re hella out of breath because you’re hella out of shape but that’s ok! Your mouth is watering at the sound of the crunchy ice in your water bottle that’s in your backpack. You care about the Earth so you have a reusable water bottle. Thank you for saving the planet. All it takes is one.

Oh yay you’re here! You rush to find a seat in the back of the lecture hall and almost trip on your untied shoe lace. Silly you! You bend down to tie it, and hear a loud BANG. Oh my gosh, what could that have been?! You look down and see your water bottle rolling down the ramp of the lecture hall. The room is horrified, gasps erupt. Damn, a little dramatic, but this is Boston University. It’s always something with these people. 

You scurry like a campus squirrel up to the front of the lecture to snatch your water bottle before squeezing yourself in between two suckers who definitely didn’t want someone sitting next to them. Oh well. All of that speed walking and scurrying has caused you to sweat. And oh God, even you can smell it. Fuck. Maybe that’s why everyone is still looking at you horrified? Man, why are they still staring at you, I mean the lecture has started! And I know it’s not that interesting but fuck ALL YOU DID WAS DROP YOUR WATER BOTTLE? Like fuck me I guess, have none of you every made a mistake???? Just as you are about to fall into hopeless confusion, it clicks. 

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. 

Wait, was it when you drop your water bottle or when the bottle hits the ground entirely? Damnit, it is when it just hits the ground. That means another submission of your name in the reaping. At least they aren’t all staring in horror because of the way you smell. Well, except the two people next to you. They definitely are. They are wondering why you don’t use deodorant. Little do they know, you do, just not today. 

This track record for you is getting out of hand. Two weeks ago you earned a submission for getting kicked out of your study room you inhabited for merely 10 minutes because you didn’t book it. A month ago for going the wrong way at the salad bar at Marciano’s. At the beginning of the semester for circling the library and eventually being forced to leave because there was no open chairs. Damn. Including every semester thus far that means you have exactly 252 submissions in the reaping. That’s 210 more submissions than Gale in The Hunger Games, and people looked at him crazy for THAT. Oh well, shake it off! There is no way you’ll get chosen! 

Fast forward 10 months later at the reaping. Bruh, you can’t believe they make this a mandatory event. You don’t have time for this, you think to yourself. Who cares who gets chosen, it’s not like the BU district tributes ever win. 

Oh. Oh wait. What did she say? Wait. Did President Gilliam just say your name? Oh. Okay. Oh? And did she just announce the other tribute to be the obnoxious guy in your film class who openly called you dumb for not knowing the run time of a random Tarantino film and for enjoying Babylon (2022)? And not the hot guy from your dorm? Right. And if you’re wondering, it’s not an enemies to lovers situation. Oh God. This is getting bad. But wait! Good thing your transfer portal just got accepted! BC Eagles, here you come! 

Phew, that was a close one.