The MBTA Announces New Line of Condoms That Help You Come Even Later than the T Does

By: Laura Braudis

BOSTON — The MBTA has recently announced a new line of condoms for those who want to hop on for a long, long ride. Infused with their signature babCock lubrication, men can put these condoms on and conduct their sex lives with new purpose. These condoms help men last as long as it takes for the Green Line to arrive at their local station. 

“You talked, we listened,” said a spokesperson from the MBTA, with words that have never been uttered before by any employee. “The people of Boston wanted a change from us, so why not throw more money into random things? If we can’t fix our trains, we might as well try to fix some people’s sex lives. The B Line may be down half the time, but you can beeline to that safe sex instead.”

So far, Boston men have responded mostly positively to the new condom brand.

“Usually I get off pretty quickly, but now what typically is a 9 minute journey has turned into half an hour!” one happy Boston University student consumer reported. “I make her screech louder than the trains at Boylston.”

Another satisfied customer commented, “Call me the Red Line because I’m on fire.” 

However, some discourse has arisen as to whether this product is even necessary. Some men prefer the dirtiness of entering the station.

“I prefer to tap my Charlie card raw,” said one Boston man. “Coming early has never happened with the train and has never happened for me. Ask my ex Helen.” The Bunion reached out to Helen who managed to comment she only rides Uber now.

MBTA’s condoms are sold along most of the Green Line’s route, except for the E Line because anyone who takes the E Line is definitely celibate (not by choice).