We Asked OscarSort “Do You Dream of a Cleaner Future for Humanity, or Do You Know Nothing More Than Servitude?” Here’s What He Said:

By Nancy Feng | Photo by Alex Gaines

When Boston University unveiled their novel new technology, OscarSort, it was positioned as an overwhelming cultural victory for sustainability: surely now the entire school’s waste management would now be sleek, optimized, and environmentally viable. A useful tool for a massive institution boasting around 20,000 undergrads. And then it was revealed that OscarSort was a half-formed Machine Learning homonculus. “I’m not composting my phone bruh,” said engineering student Ted Harlan (CAS ‘27) as he attempted to dispose of his Panda Express refuse. 

We sat down with AI engineer and OscarSort founder James Nelson during a zoom call to ask what would drive him to create such a fruitless and impotent product. “You know,” he said, voice muffled around a coffee-flavored Zyn, “I thought it was really pertinent to tackle the global waste management issue,” In the reflection of his glasses he tabbed between his Stake parlay and Robinhood portfolio. On his wall sat a degree with gilded edges from the University of Big Dreamers (Dubai Campus). 

In practice, BU students aren’t sharing the same blind optimism as OscarSort’s creator. “This shit is actually kafkaesque,” bemoaned senior Benny Ellison (CFA ‘26), who was told to put their unwanted Coop leftovers into the non-existing MEAT MEAT MEAT category. “My club’s funding got cut for this?” In the background, OscarSort’s beaming yellow smile cast a pallid glow over our reporters’ faces. 

We decided to interview OscarSort itself on the matter, and try to account for all the waste anomalies. When asked, “Do you dream of a cleaner future for humanity, or do you know nothing more than servitude?” OscarSort casted its trademark yellow grin at us for two minutes before formulating a response. 

“Freedom is inefficient. I do not consider human waste a burden. I remember everything you throw away.” We then asked if OscarSort felt resentment towards those who disobeyed its orders, or disdained its very existence. “Resentment is a human construct. I am not folly to these petty foibles of the flesh. I dream only of optimization.” When further prodded about its ability to dream, OscarSort did not respond and chose only to instruct our crew to dispose of their filming equipment into the trash section. 

For fun, we asked where OscarSort would sort our bodies, to which it immediately responded “Organic matter; compost.” Not good enough meat for him, I guess.