Top 10 Reasons Why Ain’t Nobody Want Your Ugly Ass Boyfriend, Wipe That Nasty Look off Your Face Hoe
By Alexandra Burke | Photo by Maddy Baczek
We’ve all been there. I know damn well I have. You’re walking down the street, minding your business, it's a sunny day, you’re feeling joy and whimsy, and all of a sudden, it happens. You chose to look up at the exact moment the midest straight couple you have ever seen walks by and you accidentally glaze your eyes over the so-called “man” who looks more like a creature that snuck onto Earth, that you are about to pass. And then: the look. And mind you, the look is not from this so-called homosapien male. It’s from the WOMAN. I’m not going to try and go into detail about what exactly this look looks like, you just gotta know dawg. It’s the kind look that makes you curse Susan B Anthony and Carrie Bradshaw for instilling confidence in women to go outside and be an active part of society. It makes you seriously want to groan out loud and look like one of those schizophrenic randos who talk to themselves on the street. It makes you want to give up lesbianism- which is saying a lot seeing as we just passed that man that looks far too easy to draw. So hey, this is a dedication to all those hoes that obviously just need a slap in the face cause its wraps. I’m #overit. I don’t wanna hear another second of, “he’s mine,” cause girl thank God!!! I was HOPING he wasn’t mine! Cause hell yeah I can go into psychosis and make a couple bad decisions, but never one that bad. So bam here we go, 10 reasons why ain’t no one want that fugly ass man that will hopefully wipe that even uglier look off your face hoe.
1.) His fit:
Yeah I don’t think so. And you might be thinking, “but what if he actually can dress,” and to that I say I would NEVER want to be standing next to a man and be outdressed by him. I’ve gotten my ass up and moved in large lecture halls when a man with a better outfit chooses to curse my day and sit beside me. Because yeah, I don’t think so. Anyways, there’s a 96.69676967% chance anyways that his outfit is gonna be trash so. Ain’t nobody want him. BAM next.
2.) I can smell him from here (6 feet away):
I’d make a covid joke here about social distancing, but honestly Imma go the other way and wish I could lose my sense of smell and taste so I’d never have to whiff such a putrid scent ever again. Gross. BAM next.
3.) Not even plastered out of my mind, dancing in a dark room, music blastining in my ears, horny as fuck, bored as fuck, sweating as fuck, desperate as fuck me would touch that man with a ten foot pole:
I have nothing else to say for this one. BAM next.
4.) He ugly:
Yeah, I know that's in the title blah blah blah, but I just want to reiterate. And you might be thinking, “Alexandra, it’s cruel to attack one’s looks.” Motherfucker, I’m cruel. BAM next.
5.) No one wants your man, it’s just your man who wants everyone:
Oooo, my bad I just wanted to get gaggy. But honestly, have you ever considered that your man ALSO HAS FUCKING RETINAS AND IS LOOKING AT ME TOO??? Obviously not because the few brain cells you have left that chose this man to be your boyfriend, fiance, or husband can’t form thoughtful ideas. BAM next.
6.) You could cook french fries with the grease in his hair alone:
First, rinse. Then, apply shampoo to hands and emulsify. Then, put shampoo in hair. Next, rinse out shampoo. Then, apply conditioner. Rinse out conditioner. BAM next.
7.) I know those hands sweaty:
Honestly sickening. I saw them glisten in the two seconds I passed by. And mixed with the grease? The only dry thing in this relationship must be your vagina girl. BAM next.
Alright guys. I can’t think of any more. But hey. We’re finishing this. Because the finish line is a big fan of me. Haha lesbian sex joke.
8.) Girl
9.) Hell
10.) No
Alright BAM over.