RFK Jr. Announces Digging In Your Butt Works Better Than Vaccines

By Willa Norvell | Photo by Stella Ritter

“By the digging of my thumbs, something healing this way comes.”

At a recent press conference this past Tuesday, United States Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK Jr. released a breakthrough study regarding a miraculous solution to diseases we have already cured. Rather than subject children to the microchip, the informed leader said he found a Non-GMO, needle-free alternative. The only thing that will be poking people now are their own fingers.

“We have developed an easy, DIY fix to the liberal agenda.” explained the representative. When questioned as to the science behind the discovery, RFK Jr. shocked journalists by stating that he was in fact the groundbreaker, or rather the genius to see that there's a crack in everything. 

“Well, my doctor told me I had it all, the whole alphabet. From A to Y, abracadabra to yellow fever, I was ill. Having avoided the great risks of vaccination, I wondered how this could have happened to me. I got to thinking and that thinking got me to digging. Within mere minutes, I felt my symptoms fade and my brain got clearer. I loved it.” exclaimed the innovator.

As a newly FDA approved practice, Digging In Your Butt™ has taken the world by storm. RFK Jr. has opened up the possibility of legalizing recreational prodding. Much like another natural leafy relaxant, affected citizens have felt eager to carry out the remedy in public spaces, such as in cafes, on buses, and while walking through parks. 

A handful of citizens have taken to Threads to express their success stories. “After a long day at my cubicle, I like to let loose. The activity reminds me of when I would play in the sandbox as a child, where I’d make tunnels with my plastic shovel. What a nostalgic innovation!” Shockingly, the demand for hand soap has not increased at all.

Outside sources have speculated as to whether the placebo effect may be in operation. It appears that the only individuals to actually claim benefit from Digging In Your Butt™ are those who have taken the red pill too. The CDC denies any conflict of interest or meddling in results, and encourages any skeptical parties to join in on the fun.

Forget digging for gold, start digging for brown.