Article by: Helena S | Photo by: Sadie S
Has Boston become too unsafe? Although it was considered one of the safest cities in the United States, Boston is now facing a rise in criminal activity, leaving its citizens traumatized in no place other than public transportation.
These new violent criminals refer to themselves as “Fare Enforcers,” and they’ve robbed thousands of Bostonians in their new evil plan. To get the truth, Bunion Reporters spoke to some of the Fare Enforcer’s bravest victims.
Our first victim, Gib Mimoney told us all about his horrific interaction with the Fare Enforcers. “I saw two Fare Enforcers yesterday afternoon on the Green Line. I knew it was them because they looked a mess wearing these little royal blue getups and it was like ok? You really needed an outfit.” Clearly, these criminals clearly want to be seen. They want to intimidate us. “Then the short one spoke to me and he said ‘Hi, can you tap right there’ and signaled to the Apple Pay box on my left. Oh also he had a backpack on which is funny as fuck becuase why are you a short man with a backpack. Stuart Little*,” Mimoney states.
Yes, you heard that right. There CRIMINALS are trying to take away Boston citizens’ God-given right to not pay for the T when it's above ground. No more BU Central to BU East for you. Pay $2.40 or walk. Pig.
But this kind of Fare Enforcer is not the only kind that exists. Fare Enforcers operate under a much larger, eviler crime ring called the Mr Beast Theft Association. Sources prove that they are hacking our technology to make young, impressionable, beautiful young women with huge tigs, a small waist, and a fat ass “accidentally” pay for the T 3 times in one ride. They are working with Apple, which you might know from iPhone, to add a malicious virus to every single phone called “Express Transit,” where you don’t have to unlock the wallet app to pay for transportation.
Though she is hard to reach and super beautiful and funny, we managed to get an interview with Ima Dumas, who is probably the only victim of this crime, about her experience. Dumas says “It was a Friday at 5pm so the T was packed, but I really did not want to walk 15 minutes so I decided to squeeze myself in. I ended up facing the Apple pay station, phone in hand. Then I saw it – the checkmark saying I had paid.” But the story wasn’t over. “Over the next 20 minutes, 2 more charges loaded on my bank app. I had paid a full $7.20.” This devastating story is clearly not Dumas’ fault. At all. She is a very intelligent woman and a victim of robbery and battery. Her phone died. Ima Dumas has started a GoFundMe to raise back the money that was so violently taken from her. You can venmo @helenasuffern if you want to be a good citizen and help the community.
To all Bostonians, please be careful when on public transportation. The Mr Beast Theft Association is a violent organization that needs to be stopped. Please spread awareness via canva infographic on your instagram story.
*Did everybody know that Stuart Little is a human boy that looks like a mouse and not an actual mouse. I’m so serious, look it up. Was Stuart Little vaccinated? Because if he was, this is major fuel for anti-vaxxers. Stuart Little anti-vaxx martyr. Ok sorry.