Article by: Samantha S | Photo by: John C
Since the start of the school year, more students than usual have been getting absolutely violated by the T
Recent studies (don't ask me where the studies are from) have showcased that, per semester, about every 1 in 3 students get COMPLETELY OBLITERATED by the green line’s diabolical trains. This is a sharp rise compared to last year’s rate, which was 1 in every 3,000.
BU students have come out of the woodworks to complain about this inexplicable phenomenon. “One second, I was crossing the tracks. The next, I was flung 50 feet into the air. Every bone in my body is irreparably broken,” harked one particularly unfortunate victim.
“It totally defiled me. There’s no other word for it. It explored my body. I feel a deep spiritual connection to the T now,” recounted a haunted frat-bro in a full body cast.
In an exclusive interview, one T Operator came forth with an explanation for these egregious transgressions against BU students. The operator – John McIloverunningpeopleoversosomuch – who for legal reasons couldn't disclose his full name, said, “Yah so like we just get paid extra to hit kids. It’s fully a monetary thing. It’s not even for the love of the game, even though I honestly get a lot of satisfaction out of it. I just need to fund my crippling addiction to crystal meth. Like if you were in my shoes you would do the same thing. It’s good for the ecosystem anyway. Survival of the fittest and all that.”
This case goes even deeper, however. Through definitely very ethical and safe investigative practices (that did not involve waterboarding, whatsoever) The Bunion discovered a connection between Commonwealth’s greenline… and Mellissa Gilliam.
According to a classified university budgeting plan for the 2026-2027 school year, the university has put aside a fund of 3 million dollars to pay T Operators every time they annihilate another kid. The plan states that it’s all an attempt to “curb the student population” because “there’s just TOO many of them,” stating, “we [the admissions board] did not mean to admit this many people LMAO.”
Gilliam, when pressed on the matter, stated, “One of the core values BU lives by is the importance of running over as many people as possible. I’m all for getting their asses.”