I Have No Idea Who the Dean of Students Is and I’m Getting Scared

By Kai Farr | Photo by Maddy O’Leary

As a BU senior, I think I have learned a great deal about this institution during my time here. The BU Bus will never arrive on time, Questrom kids will blow cigarette smoke straight into your mouth without a second thought, and Cane’s for dinner every night is totally normal and healthy and fine and everyone needs to shut up and chill about it.

But one thing continues to stump me: who the fuck is the Dean of Students? Not only am I completely in the dark about the identity of this person (I could take 30 seconds to look it up but it’s #snrszn), I also have no idea what this role entails, other than the occasional strange clues that BU gives us.

TRUST that I remember Daddy Elmor, that was my Dean of Students. For you young folk, maybe you don’t remember this absolute UNIT of a man who would do anything for attention: jumping in the Charles, leading online workouts during Orientation, and making me question my heterosexuality on the regular. But then I guess they just merked him? Where’d that mf go? Miss him bad.

Now all we get is the rare ominous email with the most cryptic message about whatever holiday or school event may be coming up. Maybe I’m misremembering but I feel like I definitely got one with the subject line: “MARATHON MONDAY SLOPPY TOPPY?? NOOOO MOMMY STOPPY!!!” And when I opened that shit up? The most horrifying Bitmoji I’ve ever seen. I don’t even think there was a message attached, just that scary character staring at me with its beady little eyes.

So is their whole job just sending out an email every few months that’s usually super quirky but also jarringly serious at times? Because frankly this back and forth on the tones is extremely confusing when I think I’m gonna get a little rhyme scheme limerick and instead get slapped in the face about the severity of alcohol poisoning amongst college students. I’ll be on the brink of defenestrating myself and get a notification about how disappointed BU is that I haven’t donated half my work-study earnings to the alumni fund. Can we choose a vibe?

On a completely unrelated note, is this a position that recent grads can apply to? It seems like one of the only jobs I’m qualified for with a BU COM degree.