Confessions of a Former Funny Girl

By Ogenna Oraedu | Photo by

Well, well, well. It’s all over. Four (three technically, I joined my freshman spring) years of satire articles. Four years of using my very mundane life as inspiration for moderately funny jokes and oversharing during Sunday meetings. Four years of Bunion and Pinky Toe.

But in all my years of writing articles at the last minute, whether it be horizontal in bed or drunk in the middle of a party or high on a walk home or in class during an exam review session, I think I’m starting to lose my sparkle.

And you might be thinking, Ogenna no! You are still so funny! You might be graduating and looking for paralegal jobs in New York, but you’ll still make people laugh! Even when you move back home to your parents’ house in New Jersey and are forced to take out your septum because your Nigerian mother and father can’t stand the sight of it, you will still be funny at your core.

Unfortunately, I must reject those sentiments. I'm 21 years old; I've no money and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my parents, and I'm frightened. My funny girl status has been waning every year of undergrad, depreciating like the value of a used car. Not to mention, DEI rollbacks are affecting me as a marginalized individual. I’m too old to be bisexual, they might start lobotomizing women again, and white people are starting to feel comfortable again saying the n-word. Not a good time to be me right now when those three things are the base for a lot of my humor.

When I do become a paralegal (seriously guys, if I don’t have a job at the time this article comes out, I need everyone to organize a mass prayer circle for me), I won’t be able to joke about menstruation-induced bowel movements in the South Campus Domino's, or how students of a particular College of General Studies created a new STD. No one will care about why white people smell like pennies when it rains, or how I dream of causing physical harm to both a former crush and Red Sox fans. 

Senior year stress, I’ll admit, has forced me to try really, really hard when it’s time to be funny, a trait of mine that used to come naturally. I feel like all the younger staff members laugh out of pity, and my friends view me as an aging court jester that they can’t get rid of because of my unwavering loyalty to the crown. And honestly, I appreciate the sentiment. It means that they care.

So goodbye Bunion and Pinky nation. Thank you for the laughs, the really good articles, the really shitty articles, and for letting me be a funny girl during my undergrad career. As a token of my gratitude, please find the headlines and the mock article I wrote for my application back in January of 2022. Warning, they are really bad:

How the Clump of Hair That’s Been Sitting in the Drain of My Floor's Communal Showers for the Past Week Led Me to a Journey of Self Discovery

BU Buildings and Their "New Girl" Character Counterparts

Girl Moves From One Northeast State to Another "For a Change of Pace", Is Shocked To Find Out That Everything Is Exactly the Same

Your Friend Is Coming Out? Here’s How to Make It All About You

It’s Not My Fault That I’m Only Friends With Guys, They Just Have Less Drama

Are They Queer, or Do They Just Have a Really Colorful Wardrobe?

In the opening verse of Katy Perry’s 2010 hit single, Firework, she asks listeners if they’ve ever felt “like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again”. A bit of a clunky lyric if I’m being honest, but I got the point. If Katy’s muse was some random Target bag, then mine is a clump of brown hair stuck in the drain after a shampoo sesh. 

As your friend, or any other person in your life you care deeply about, comes out to you, it’s okay to feel a little bit left out. What is a huge milestone for them, is just another fun fact for you. It’s alright to want to feel like the main character once in a while, and here’s how.

Say something like “It’s like you knew I always wanted a gay friend! Thanks so much for doing this for me!” They’ll appreciate how accepting you are of them. Or you could bring up a homophobic relative. It’s important for them to know that you’re an ally.

In all honesty, gay marriage got legalized in 2015, so what more could the gays want? 

As your friend comes out to you, it’s okay to feel a little bit left out. To them, it’s a milestone. For you, it’s just another fun fact. It’s normal to want to feel like the main character once in a while, and here’s how:

Say something like “I always wanted a gay friend!” They’ll totally appreciate your excitement and how accepting you are of them. 

Or you could bring up how much you hate your homophobic relative. It’s important for them to know that you’re an ally.

Honestly, gay marriage got legalized in 2015, and the LGBTQ+ community has Cher as an icon. It’s not like the gays will notice if you steal some of the attention.