COMpletely Useless: I Live With Three COM Majors and Somehow I’m Doing the Least
By Sam Lehman | Photo by Maddy O’Leary
They don’t have homework. They don’t have finals. All three of them are leaving for Thanksgiving break and not coming back to school because they’re professors decided that they have nothing left to learn.
And yet….
Every single one of them runs around constantly like they are chickens with their heads chopped off.
They are running the social media for some underground company you’ve never heard of that makes animal figurines. They are working at PR lab to promote the taxidermy industry.
They’re writing 200 word emails about vacuums, watching and dissecting Coco Melon, and reading scripts. What do you mean you’re reading a movie?
They are taking four-hour road trips to film for a mediocre indie-metal-classic rock-punk-postmodern-socialist-Marxist-philosophical short film that’s “a meditation on the human condition.”
They are writing food blogs about the new Trader Joe's pumpkin spice themed snacks for the Daily Free Press and then posting the link to the article on their Instagram stories like there’s any chance in hell I’m going to actually give a damn.
They are anchoring for BUTV and running WTBU shows about the intersection between feminist film theory and the divide between Taylor Swift and Lana Del Ray fans like they are FDR giving fireside chats during the Great Depression.
They are praying once a day to Shawn Zupp, and they’re cursing David Abel.
They are grilling each other about the ROI for their yoga studio membership. And then they’re looking at me snidely like I don’t know what return on investment is.
They are freaking out about how their jobs are going to be replaced by AI and then still using AI.
They are promoting their brand on TikTok shop and delivering deliverables.
They are making LinkedIn posts like this (about their unpaid internship):
Hello LinkedIn! I recently wrapped up my summer internship as a Junior Analyst Assistant to the Regional Manager Emerging Filmmaker for Films & Social Media and Advertising Consultant at Newton Communications. In my role, I:
📝Wrote 5 whole emails
📈Gained 2 new followers for the company Instagram
🌎Engaged in networking events [mandatory staff meetings]
A special thanks to @yourmom for the support!
And they’re always, always going to London.
Don’t get me wrong, I respect their hustle. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do to survive. It’s rough out there. I’m just saying, to all you COM majors out there who are freaking out about your 17 jobs, 5 internships, and your 6 classes (that are only a total of 12 credits), I really think you guys need to relax a little bit. It’s just not that serious. And that’s coming from a dual electrical engineering and physical chemistry major.