BU Dorms Institute Efficient New Lock Change Policy: ‘Students Who Lose Keys Will Be Shot on Sight’
Article by: Grace W | Photo by: Sadie
BOSTON – Boston University dorms recently sent out a memo to students informing them of an experimental new policy regarding lock changes.
“Students who misplace, destroy, or otherwise lose their keys, also known as Fucking Morons, will be detained by campus police and eliminated at the first opportunity,” according to the memo. “As we all know, if you lose your keys in the real world everything is over for you for the rest of your life, so this new policy will help us root out students who are too weak to survive.”
The policy is thought to have originated after an unimaginable tragedy occurred in the Sleeper Hall RA office last Sunday.
“The phone rang…it rang…and I had to pick it up,” said Perri Theplatypus (CAS ‘26), an RA present at the time, voice cracking with emotion. “And it was an actual student, with a problem,” they said before breaking into sobs. “They lost their key. And I had to give them a spare and explain the protocol. I’m sorry. It’s just…no one’s job should demand this of them.”
Several students have tried to argue the penalty in court, however, legal professionals say it is lawful under the school’s enrollment conditions, which have a clause preventing students from un-enrolling if they owe any amount of money to the school, including lost keys.
“Ngl you’re cooked,” said BU Law Professor Gaul Soodman in an email to an unfortunate student who is currently attending their 8am bio lab in the great beyond.
“I would just not take my key anywhere and keep my dorm unlocked, but at the beginning of the year frat guys filmed a TikTok going into people’s unlocked rooms, and I would actually rather die than be in any bouse’s fuckass video,” said Polinda Pocket (COM ‘28).
BU plans to institute a similar policy in regard to lost BU IDs in Fall 2026, with the punishment instead being forced participation in the trolley problem utilizing the different branches of the Green Line as a class exercise for philosophy students.