WARNING: Campus Pisser Now Targeting Slow Walkers
By Claire Hua | Photo by Emily He
It was a normal Tuesday afternoon. Students strolled to class, barely avoiding vehicle collisions, vape clouds bloomed, and the ever-delayed B line lurched to a halt for the 47th time. Just another day in paradise.
Then the screaming started.
“What the hell—did you just—OH MY GOD!”
The legends were true. The Campus Pisser had struck again.
Tayka Leek (COM ‘27) witnessed the whole spectacle. “At first, I thought it was some weird performance art piece. Like, maybe one of those Core Curriculum projects about challenging social norms or something? But no, she was just suuuuper fed up with slow walkers. Honestly? Kind of respect it.” (And yes, the campus pisser is a girl. Surprise!! #WomenInMaleDominatedFields)
Other eyewitnesses—some expressing that they were tragically in the splash zone —swear that the stream was too perfect, that there was no way she didn’t practice for this moment.
Physics major Ting Kel (CAS ‘26) stepped in to explain. “It’s all projectile motion. Given the average walking speed of slow walkers on Comm Ave and accounting for wind resistance, she’d need perfect timing and velocity. Her aiming isn’t random, it’s deliberately calculated.”
Ting Kel proceeded to pull out his TI-84 (because “why not”) and started punching in equations. “See, if she is 5’6’’ and the target is moving at standard BU shuffle speed, the optimal angle is approximately 42.3 degrees with a velocity of 330 centimeters per second. She is definitely an engineering student. Or just someone with serious natural talent.”
Since her latest assault, a wave of impersonators has emerged. Some roam Comm Ave with paper bags over their heads, threatening to “cleanse the crowd.” On Tuesday, someone was spotted holding a plastic water bottle filled with apple juice screaming “Don’t make me do it!” at loiterers outside Warren.
However, impersonators lack the original’s precision. Tuesday’s Warren incident involved someone clearly amateur—the trajectory was all wrong and the guy was wearing slides.
“Really? Slides?” a passerby commented, shaking his head in disapproval. “Everyone knows you need proper footwear for tactical urination. Plus, the real Campus Pisser would never hide behind a Fiji bottle. So embarrassing.”
At the end of the day, BU needed a hero. A vigilante for the innocent souls rushing to CGS from Kenmore, trapped behind clusters of freshmen and TikTok addicts. An activist representing the neglected campus speedwalkers.
So the next time you’re taking a leisurely stroll down Comm Ave, just remember: justice flows in mysterious ways.
She’s watching.
She’s waiting.
And she’s very, very well-hydrated.