This Isn’t Satire, It’s Just a List of the Things My Crazy Roommate Has Done the Last Month

Article by: Sam | Photo by: Grace W

Every once in a blue moon, you meet an individual who is so unique, so novel, so incredibly different from anyone you have ever even glanced at that all of your previous conceptions you held about the world – and hell, even about yourself – shatter. They throw into question all that you had once considered normal and sane, all that you have ever known and loved, and all that you have held dear. They challenge you harder than even your Friday morning 8:00 am to think of the world, not as it is, but as it could be. They are the definition of “never let them know your next move.”

Maybe you have met this person already and know this world shifting feeling for yourself, or maybe this person is still waiting somewhere out there for you, lurking in some back alley way in some foreign city, waiting for you to leave the club to get some fresh air so they can ask you for a light and rock your shit.  

For me? My enigma is my roommate. 

I first met her freshman year of college. We became friends due to the fact that we are in the same a cappella group (“Wow! They’re so cool” - what you’re thinking right now). Over the course of the three semesters, we got to know each other little by little. We even started hanging out one-on-one. She told me some wild stories about her life, like how her parents are definitely swingers and how she used to go to circus camp when she was a kid. After coming from a barren and lame hometown, I found these stories and her fascinating.

Finally, at the end of sophomore year, I got the courage to pop the question:  “[Friend],” I said (her name is redacted for legal reasons). “Would you like to be my roommate next year?” And she said yes! We squealed up and down for joy and hugged.  “Wow, this is going to be so much fun!” I said. She smirked, and then I heard her whisper “it is indeed.” 

Fast forward to today. I had known that this ho was eclectic when we first met, just based on every single interaction I’ve ever had with her. But, even after two years of living together, she continues to surprise me every single day. I wake up and I find her and three strangers in our living room, sitting in a circle around some burning incense. I come home and there are pieces of an entire tennis net scattered throughout the apartment. I go to bed and I can hear her practicing the accordion in her room.

To further elaborate my point, here is a non-satirical, honest-to-god truth list of things my roommate has done over the past month: 

1. Become very devoutly religious

2. Gotten herself locked in the bathroom

3. Invested all of her money in the stock market

4. Lost all of her money in the stock market 

5. Fell in love with her gay best friend

6. Tried to get on Call Her Daddy

7. Became a certified yoga instructor

8. Tried to get on Love is Blind

9. Downloaded Raya and matched with a Bruins player

10. Changed her major

11. Un-changed her major because we’re about to graduate and that would be insane

12. Created 86 new Pinterest boards

13. Said the phrase “I use ChatGPT as my therapist” 

14. Gotten a UTI

15. Actively took steps to become an influencer 

16. Gotten her car towed

17. Gotten a job offer for post grad

18. Gotten a 38 on an exam but convinced the professor to help her pass the class

19. Cut her own bangs

20. Told a woman she was serious about their relationship 

21. Started a business 

22. Gone to Iceland by herself 

23. Insider traded

24. Set our trashcan on fire

25. Driven five hours to visit a situationship

26. Gone skydiving

27. Bought rock-climbing shoes without ever having rock climbed 

28. Texted her ex

29. Snuck molly through TSA

30. Been held at gunpoint

Yes, she truly does it all. 

Don’t get me wrong: the late night noises and weird rituals and wild tales can sometimes get annoying. But at the end of the day, she has made me see that there is more to life than just classes or nights out at the Fenway bars or scrolling through LinkedIn and then getting depressed. Life is what you make of it. You want to climb Mount Everest, get yourself into a polycule, or join a cult? My roommate would say to go for it.

For your sake, I hope you one day meet your weirdo, like I met mine. I would say more but I am hearing sirens coming toward our building and also what I think is acoustic EDM music so I better go make sure everything’s ok…