It’s Actually a Good Thing I’m Not at Coachella Because I Would Be Overstimulated and a Total Bitch to Everyone. I’m Also Broke So
Article by: Ces | Photo by: Sadie
As Coachella Weekend Two begins, I’d like to remind everyone that it’s okay you didn’t go to Coachella. In fact, it’s a good thing I didn’t go! I know for a fact that I would’ve had a bad time… and it certainly would have been a bad time for others in my proximity.
Yes, I’m quite jealous that I didn’t get to be in the crowd of millennial gay men watching Slayyyter perform CRANK… the Lynchian rabbits are just too fierce, and I deserve to be there! I saw her on her first night of the Club Valentine tour, and the the sound crew kept fucking up her earpierce audio. Why, why, why!!! Granted, the performance was still amazing – I remember swearing that night that someday she would be revered on the same level as Gaga, and I guess she’s on her way there. I might not be the wor$t girl in America, but I might by one of the wor$t girls in Massachusetts. Hell, someone’s gotta hold down the fort in Boston.
Furthermore, a lot of these Coachella outfits I’ve seen… are chops. It’s either trying to give 2016 but #epicfailing, Mormon chic, and/or being so happy to look a mess. If I was there, my outfit would be serving Hayley Smith from American Dad realness. It’s that simple. Some of y’all could take notes. Did anyone else see Dior made Ethel Cain a custom pair of overalls? Now THAT is divine. Fierce is fierce hunni.
And you couldn’t PAY ME to sit in the crowd while Justin Bieber plays his favorite funny vine moments from his Macbook. It’s giving the guy you’re hopelessly in love with showing you his camera roll. Like that’s great. Wowwww. Are you going to play a song or… no? Okay. That shit would have had me mad as hell! And people paid THOUSANDS to be there! Maybe it’s a good thing I’m broke! I mean, yes, my tax returns just hit, so I’m feeling rather up right now, but it’s not like I have Coachella money. Did y’all see that $85,000 Airbnb? Not worth all that in the slightest. Plus I’ve seen these influencers Ubering both ways! I guess if I had fuck you money like that I’d do it too. Maybe I’m just hating from outside the club, but if I was in that club, I’d be sweaty and thirsty and overstimulated. I’m fine. I don’t need to be around a bunch of bitchy people on hard drugs in the desert. I can get that at on the T.
I also do not need to travel very far to see a blonde woman be xenophobic. Baby, I promise you, we’ve got right that at home in Boston. And I’ll be okay here, because as anti-gay rights icon Millie Bobby Brown once said, I make my own Coachella.