CS Major Caught Fucking the Printer… Again.

By Katelyn-Rose Crocker | Photo by Maddie Lam

BU has announced that BUPD officers will now be stationed at every printer after sophomore CS major Hue G. Rection was caught unloading into a Canon ImageRunner 3225i on Mugar Library’s second floor.

BUPD responded to noise complaints of a student “becoming increasingly frustrated over a paper jam.” Officers soon discovered it was not a paper jam.

“I was just running a penetration test,” Hue told police, while still mid-thrust. 

“It’s honestly the sixth or seventh time this semester,” said BUPD spokesperson Bob Duncan. “He was fucking the printer so rough it almost printed a birth certificate.”

Witnesses described the scene as “two dogs fucking on rollerskates.” One student swore Hue whispered, “Be my motherboard” as he nutted all over the toner tray.

Fellow students had mixed feelings. “It’s revolting,” said junior Leah Michelle. “But honestly? I’ve wanted to throat-punch that printer during finals week. I just never thought about throat-fucking it.” 

The printer is currently in evidence lock-up, placed on “administrative leave with full benefits,” and scheduled for a full bleach douche. 

Hue was rushed by UberXL to Student Health Services, where doctors treated him for mild paper cuts along his genitalia (in the shape of the ChatGPT logo) and toner poisoning. 

Rumors say he’s already been spotted loitering outside the faculty fax machine, waiting patiently for his ultimate “faxplosion.” If you see any suspicious activity, please report it immediately to BUPD at (202) 456-7041.