An Extensive Compendium of All the Lip Balms I Found on the Campus Ground
By Nancy Feng | Photo by Adrianna Uykan
FOREWORD
Do you people know Keychain? Do you people know Backpack? Because there is no rationable reason that everytime I go outside I find at least three of your shitass lip products. Honestly, the thoughtlessness, the lack of attention is maybe more offensive than intentional littering. I expect to see cans and bottles on the city ground.
This also indicated to me, clearly, that you all have terrible consumer taste. If some of these are what you spend your hard-earned money on then we are maybe cooked as a generation. Hopefully this recession shakes some sense into your vacuous heads.
Figure 1
NYX Fat Oil Slick Click MSRP $11
8/10
I saw a Nissan Versa run this over in real time. Fantastic color choice giving very much black honey dupe. Sorry for your loss!
Figure 2
Grape Fanta Lip Smacker MSRP ~$1.50
3/10
It’s time to get serious about your life and future dawg. What are we doing.
Figure 3
Sephora Collection Outrageous Plump Hydrating Lip Gloss in Pink Pout MSRP $14
7/10
You absolutely fell victim to a TikTok trend of wanting your lips to look like a bunny tongue and for that I dock three points try to think for yourself sometime
Figure 4
Glossier Berry Balm Dot Com MRSP $16
10/10
I think you should probably end it all seeing as how this one is discontinued
Figure 5
Burts Bees Hydrating Lip Oil MSRP $6-7
5/10
I have literally no opinion on this entirely arbitrary product. Why did you choose this? Are you the human equivalent of A4 paper?
Figure 6
Lancome Juicy Tubes in Miracle MRSP $25
4/10
You spent twenty five American dollars on a little plastic tube of Slime. You do you I guess. Or not because it looks like you lost it when it was full. I know this shit sticky too. Maybe you’re better off.
Figure 7
Summer Fridays Lip Butter Balm in Pink Sugar MSRP $24
8/10
I just know this one hurt….
Figure 8
Aquaphor Lip Relief Stick MSRP ~$5
9/10
Utilitarian, functional, practical. No bullshit. All admirable traits to have. I can tell by these virtues that you were likely a monk in a past life
???????
Just slovenly. Don’t pmo. 0/10.