Super Important (and Fulfilling) Finance Questions to Ask a Frat Bro

By Madison Forrest

PEPAS is queued on the DJ’s playlist, you're sipping on tea with a twist, and are fostering a desire to menace. 

You scope out the scene; you're trapped, the prospects are clapped. You lock eyes with a bro flicking his hand down and up to the apt tunes of Farruko, but you don’t chase, you attract. He makes his way to you for small talk, to which you gleefully interact. He brings up that he’s in Questrom and to that information you opportunely overreact:

“What? Oh my gosh! That’s epic, Chad! I love The Wolf of Wall Street!”

“Yeah, it’s pretty fire. It's chill we got to meet.”

“Literally. I’ve been thinking about investing my money, but I am constantly purchasing a sweet treat!!” 

This was your way of introducing the questions, super discrete. He tells you where to invest, you smile and nod. No matter what he says, you tell him, 

“Okay, I’ll invest in Game Time stock, I saw a tik tok :)!” The vibe becomes grim.

His fist begins to clench, and you start to think you might hurl. But he can’t stay mad because you’re just a girl (he thinks he’s going to hit), yet he can’t help but gawk. The convo proceeds, he tells you about his future entrepreneurship somethings and his dream car. You want to cut him off and ask what the podcast will be called, but you smile and nod because you’ve already come so far.

“Ohhh, so you know about stocks and stuff, and those bitcoin paintings?”

He processes your gibberish and hits you back with a nod that is empty and restraining.

“Okay yayyy! Let me pull up my list. I’ve honestly been so confused,” you admit complaining.

You open your notes app, scroll past your hu list, 5 animal cartoons you would have kissed, some depressive thoughts that persist, a note that just says Trader Joe's takis and milk of oat, and finally open the note: money movesssss. You began to read aloud what you wrote:

“Why can’t we print more crypto? What is money? How do you dig for NFT? How do I buy bitcoin?...” 

As you read them outloud, the “DJ” clicks skip on Spotify and Last Friday Night starts playing. Chad puts his arm around you to see the phone better and isn’t hearing or listening to what you're saying (like tf??)

“It’s lit that we have similar interests,” he explains. 

Your patience begins to wane. He leaves the notes app and opens your snap to add himself and take a selfie– in your snapchat memories it shall remain.

You leave and you don’t even remember his name.

“Omg what?” you begin to reflect. “My menacing interaction with a frat bro was unfulfilling? This outcome I definitely did not expect?!”

Your thoughts you begin to collect. The bro (finance and frat) attempts a streak, to which you reject. That’s how it always goes though. Isn't that bleak? In commemoration of this fictitious situation, I urge you to purchase my NFT cyber coin that debuted last week.